I don't condone celebrity gossip, I do not approve of tabloids, and as rule I refuse to speculate on the private lives of famous people; however, I do not think any of us in the kinky world can really ignore the story that broke this week about the way a famous actor may have died, nor the warning and wake up call it sends.
What I would love to do is rant about how the worst of human nature and those who cater to it twist things and exploit others to the point that even the best and brightest among us may be reduced to a laughing stock. This man, this brilliant man and gifted actor, loved and respected a man with friends and family is gone. Thanks to gossip mongers the feelings of those loved ones he as left behind have been trampled on and the man's legacy will not be his talent or his gifts, but instead a string of sneers, snickers, and tasteless jokes.
Well not here. The man deserves better, and if nothing else let us let the way he died remind us all once again of why we developed some of the safety rules we have in the kinky world and why wise players follow them.
For reasons I cannot fathom, an attitude of scorn has developed towards the whole subject of scene safety. I once read a post on a discussion board where I young lady said she would not play with someone who took safety precautions because if they needed to be prepared for accidents they obviously didn't know what they were doing. Apparently, she believed that only incompetent players have accidents. Oh dear.
But the attitude is remarkably and disturbingly common. Safety warnings, advice, and cautions are mocked and those who raise concerns are treated as controlling, melodramatic, or just plain moronic. While not exclusively, most of the time the pattern seems to be members of the younger generation sneering at the counsel of the older more experienced generation of players. I see this attitude not just in the kinky community but in society at large. I read a non kinky article awhile back talking about the lack of elders in society. Well it's not that we don't have them, it is just that everyone is too busy making their own noise to be able to hear them.
I suppose this is a normal part of being young, but it worries me to see so many people needlessly stumbling in the dark. Once upon a time, when there was no internet and meetings of organized groups were not easily found it was understandable for us all to struggle alone, going by trial and error, but these days with so much information available at the tips of our fingers, there is just no excuse. Be as arrogant as you like, but believing you can fly won't stop you from falling through that open manhole up the street. It'll just keep you from finding a way to climb out.
I understand the hesitancy to reach out, the uncertainty, the reasons why you may believe you can't approach others with your needs. Most of us feel that. There is taboo, there is shame, there is fear of ridicule, of hurting those close to us, of the real damage that can be done to reputations and careers, but you are better off in the hands of a safe and discrete person than you are risking your life. Would you rather risk having a secret exposed or having your loved ones' last memory of you be the way you died?
That being said, here, once again, are Ms. Betty's rules for playing safe. Not safe as in unexciting, uninspiring or vanilla pretending to be kinky, but safe as in preventing accidents and or trips to the emergency room.
1) Never practice bondage alone. Yes, you have a sure fire way out, the odds of something happening are small, and you have the phone in reach just in case, but everyone who has ever died after having tied themselves up thought that, too. And no they weren't just stupid or inexperienced. Improbable is not the same as impossible. What are you going to do if your smoke alarm goes off while you're waiting for that chunk of ice to melt? how about when you drop that knife and it bouces waaaaaay over there? Or the phone? Gee the power just went out and the line is down, or your battery's dead. Now what? Or what happens when you start to choke and suddenly can't breathe? Are you going to have time to call for help?
2) Never leave someone unmonitored while they are tied up. There are different levels of monitoring. (See Jay Wiseman for details.) Not all monitoring requires that you stay in the same room, however you should use the amount of monitoring appropriate for the bondage. The minium is to never be out of shouting distance and to check on them regularly, at least every few minutes. That's minutes, not hours.
3) Use gags with caution. Do not leave someone alone while they are gagged for a prolonged period of time. How long is safe? Never, or never long enough for them to lose oxygen supply to the brain if they choke before you get back. Some doctors say one or two minutes, others say you may have up to five. I'd go with less than 30 seconds, and only if you absolutely must.
Have a second way to signal trouble if someone can't speak. Personally I don't use gags at all. I've found a fun alternative of giving someone a dog toy to hold in his mouth instead. It has the same effect, he can bite down on it to help cope with the pain of a flogging and best of all he can spit it out in an emergency, or since it takes concious control to hold it if he drops it I know immediately that something is wrong.
4) Never mix drugs or alcohol with play. Even be cautious of perscription or over the counter medications. This goes tripple for a mediation you may not have taken before. I took an over the counter allergy remedy for the first time a few weeks back. It left me very hyper and very dizzy. (not a fun combination) I was very aware of my surroundings, but it was very hard to figure out what to do with the information. Even in a light scene, both parties need to be able to be aware if something is wrong. Drugs and alcohol dull that awareness or making it harder to react if you do realize something is wrong.
5) Do not wrap rope or other constrictive material around someone's neck. Yes some people pratice strangulation as part of their play. Some people jump out of airplanes, too. That's not to say it's wrong, but someone who deliberately chooses to take that risk (I would hope) is well informed and knows exactly what they are doing. So unless you are deliberately planning to deprive someone of air, do not tie things around their neck. (Mind you I said tie, using a buckled collar is different. If you've ever put a collar on a pet you know how to do that safely, use the same rules for putting a collar on a person.) Do not, however, anchor them by their collar and then leave the room.
6) Do your homework. Know what you are doing and how you are doing it before the session begins. Know how to do it right, what can go wrong and what to do if it does. Information is everywhere, go out and get it.
7) Test your equipment. Test it before the first time you use it and before each time you use it. Rope frays, locks wear out, keys become worn. If it's not working properly, repair or replace it.
8) Have a safeword. This is probably the most maligned safety caution out there. It could be a blog by itself, but later. I'm sick of the feeble and idiotic arugments against using one. They have all the merit and intelliegence of arguments against using seatbelts. My take on it is fairly simple. Having a safeword is like having a fire exitinguisher. It's better to have it and never need it than to need it and not have it.
This is far from a complete list, but it's the basics. Use your head. Think things through. Accept that things can go wrong and it's best to know what to do if they do. Have a plan and stick to it. You do have to know. You do have to be ready. Make sure you are.
Ms. Betty
