Parking Patrol

Based on a real-life, but unfortunately unknown thoughtless clod:

Dear Driver,

We regret to inform you that we have discovered your vehicle parked at a dangerous angle in front of a bus stop. This will not do. Your vehicle is blocking the turning lane, causing drivers to have to make unsafe turns from the center lane. It is also parked at an angle that causes the rear end to cross into the neighboring lane, causing an additional obstacle to drivers. Worst of all your reckless parking has forced the buses to stop in the middle of the street, posing an extra hazard to passengers boarding and de-boarding the bus by forcing them to cross through a traffic lane to reach the curb.

Therefore, your vehicle has been towed. In addition, we must ask you to appear at our Office of Corrections at 8 A.M. tomorrow morning. Your vehicle will be returned to you upon completion of your appointment. Should you not appear, we will be forced to suspend your driver's license and confiscate your vehicle permanently.

As you are obviously incapable of driving or parking a vehicle responsibly, please have someone else bring you to your appointment. You are advised to wear loose clothing and to bring something soft to sit on for the trip home.

Sincerely,

Senior Parking Enforcement Officer 01867

The Hose Debacle

This (link no longer functional) is completely ridiculous. Mind you, I have nothing against hose. I do wear them, or sometimes tights, in winter when I must go out in a skirt on a cold day. However, I think it's a bit petulant and immature to demand things like they be worn under slacks.

Mr. Holt, grow up. If you have to be so childish as to find a back door way to be vindictive towards women who refuse to let you dictate what they wear under their clothing then you do not deserve a management position. If you think pantyhose are bloody important you wear them. Or at least pay for them. Hose are A) ridiculously expensive and B) ridiculously fragile. If you think bare, neatly shaved legs are unprofessional looking, how do you think runs and ladders look? How many pairs of hose do you think a lady should have to go through in a day in the hazards of the work world?

Now ladies, if you in your own persons ever feel you need the professional look of hose or just don't feel comfortable bare legged, but you want something a bit more comfortable, I will share a favorite secret. I wear old fashioned stockings and garters. No I'm not kidding. I have 2 garter belts, one in white, one in black, and several pairs of stockings in various shades of black, tan, and white. Stockings allow me the more formal look of covered legs, and still let my skin breathe. Yes, I know it's a bit "retro" and a generation ago women gladly threw away garter belts and stockings for good reason, but I've found they do have their advantages. If you must have covered legs, give it a try.

Just be warned, most places these days you have to get belts and stockings through mail order, usually from lingerie sites. (Not that I think such a prospect would make anyone brave enough to read this blog blush.) JC Penney has a very nice selection of different stockings. Opt for sheer stockings if you can, they are the most comfortable. And watch out around your guy. You may find a sudden spike in his libido.

Ms. Betty

Memo to Customer Service Staff

Dear Customer Service Representative,

Please do not annoy or irritate Ms. Betty when she is within easy reach of wooden spoons. She may do something rash.

You have been warned.

We Think She Thinks She's a Meerkat...

Or maybe a prairie dog.

Maggie is a very strange little cat. Well not so little anymore, but definitely a bit odd.

Cats in general are strange creatures. All of them have their little quirks. Trouble likes to steal rubber bands. My sister once had a cat who liked to suck on her earlobe. The cat I had while growing up "knocked" on the flap of the mail slot when she wanted to come in.

But thinking back on all the cats I've met (and as a 3rd generation cat lady there have been many) from dignified ladies and lazy old toms to kittens who only stayed a few hours, not one of them has been quite as strange as our Maggie.

She does the usual cat things: waking suddenly from a dead sleep and dashing across the room at top speed, stealing packing peanuts and hiding them all over the house, insisting on drinking from a dripping faucet even when there is fresh water in the water bowl. But her oddest by far is the way she reacts to strange noises. When Maggie hears a noise she doesn't like she does not run, or hiss, or arch herself up like cats are famous for. Instead, she stands up on her hind legs and freezes.

Now this is not usually a naturally tenable position for a cat. Most cats can only balance on their hind feet while unsupported for a second or two. Not Maggie. She will stay in that position for several long moments until she decides whether she needs to run or go back to her nap.

I've never seen another cat behave that way. I've only ever seen it in small plains-dwelling animals, like meerkats, or prairie dogs.

But we're going with meerkat. You should have seen the look on her face when we suggested calling her a dog. LOL.

Ms. Betty

Gnome Spanking

I have a favorite computer game called Jardinains. It's a typical break-out style game where you bounce a ball off a little paddle to clear a pattern of bricks, only Jardinains has a little twist.

There are gnomes standing on top of or hiding behind the bricks on every level. These are very bad little gnomes. They laugh at you, make faces, and worst of all throw flower pots from their lofty little perches at the top of the screen. If a flower pot hits you you lose points. Your paddle also freezes for a few seconds, so if it happens at the wrong moment you may miss the ball and lose a life. Not very nice at all.

Thankfully, the gnomes can be punished for this poor behavior. When you knock one down you can bounce him off the paddle the same way you do the ball while he cries "oh! oof! ouch!" in a little high pitched squeak. The longer you spank a gnome the more points you get, and if you spank him long enough he turns into a power up. Some power ups are nasty little tricks, but most of them are very helpful to the game. If you have a power up active, like the exploding ball, when you hit a gnome he goes soaring way up into the air off screen. When this happens Chuck and I say "gnome in orbit!" A few seconds later the gnome comes plummeting back into the atmosphere screaming and trailing a line of sparks. If you bounce him he goes screaming off into orbit again.

You can even shoot them with the laser power up. They don't die, they just cry "ouch!" very indignantly.*

The only trouble is I get so caught up in punishing the gnomes for their pot throwing tantrums that I tend to forget to catch the ball, so I guess I won't be making the high score hall of fame.

But I'm getting plenty of gnome spanking practice while I try.

Ms. Betty

*No gnomes were harmed in the making of this post. Gnomes may be shot or spanked, but only if they deserve it. All guidelines for the correction of delinquent gnome are followed with utmost care. At no time are they made to wear dish towels, work without pay, serve as wine tasters to detect poisons, or painted gold and used as Christmas Tree toppers.

Quick Blog Update-- One or Two Notes

Some of you have asked about the falling whale reference on my Technical Difficulties blog.

The reference is from Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a story that has been produced as a radio show, a TV series, a 5 book trilogy, and most recently a film. Although Adams made deliberate changes each time he told the story in a different medium any one of them will give you the spirit of the whole. In order, I prefer the radio series, then the recent film, then the book.

If you'd like to find out more, you can start here, but I warn you...it's not pretty.

For more on how the whale got there, I suggest finding "The Guide" in one of it's many forms. Trust me, it's well worth it.

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To the person who left the anonymous comment on my "Good Morning" blog:

I did receive it and I'm very touched. Thank you.

I did not publish it because there was no way to separate the two halves of your note, but I did keep it.

Be well.

Ms. Betty