There's always that one, isn't there?
The one who changed the world.
The one who set your life on an entirely different path.
The one who can never be forgotten.
The one who even when you're determined to say no, even when he's not asking, his name on an email or the caller ID puts you right back where you used to be and you can't help going to pieces, no matter how adamantly you refuse to.
He doesn't ask, and you thank God because you know, you just know, that despite your two tons of resolve if he did you'd crumble and you couldn't tell him no. Some part of your mind realizes that not too long ago it would have hurt that he didn't ask, but now you're just glad. That same part of you wonders how that can be considering the emotional turmoil you're in at just the sight of his name, but the rest of you is too busy falling apart to worry about it at the moment.
No, he didn't ask, but the wistfulness is there and behind it you hear the same plaintive refrain, "if things were different." Well things aren't different, and we must deal with things as they are not as we wish they could be.
But telling yourself that doesn't work this time. The Leann Rimes doesn't work. The Sarah Teasdale poems don't work. The Jimmy Wayne video you turned into a talisman to guard your heart and keep the rest of you together doesn't work. None of it is any good and soon you're tumbling away again. Everything you felt--strike that, everything you still feel for this person is swirling around you and you can't help drowning in it.
And despite all of that, you still have to keep up your end of the exchange, answer the email, participate in the conversation. Just what are you supposed to say? I still think of you every single day? I'm still keeping the things you left with me? I still get a small pang of regret when I do something with someone else that I had always wanted to do with you? There's a part of me that will wait for you forever, even though I wish it wouldn't? Even if the exchange is brief, even if you simply choose not to have it, the damage is done. You are sitting there torn apart and lost and you aren't coming back any time soon.
You can't stop the questions. How did it we get here? Did any of it matter? If he felt anything how could things go the way they did? But you know he did, and that they went that way anyway and sometimes that's just how things are. And that doesn't help at all. You're haunted by the "could have been"s. Suddenly you are Tricia McMillan, looking over every shoulder for a guy with two heads and a birdcage. You can't help thinking of another you out there somewhere where things worked out "right".
So you decide it's time for some fresh air, and lots of fat, sugar, salt, and lots of other things that are very bad for you while you're at it. On the way you spot a familiar brand of pick up truck and cringe a little when you can't help checking the driver's seat.
You'll be fine, you know you'll be fine. Tomorrow or the next day you'll be yourself again but right now you just need to get through the next few hours. Somehow you do, but you can't help wondering how one person can affect you that way even after all this time. And wondering just what's going to happen next time he rolls around.
And yes, it does.
Ms. Betty
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
When You Get It Right...
I don't really like giving advice. Being semi-cynical I'm always a little bit sure that I'll get it all horribly wrong, but it won't matter because even if I am right the person asking won't listen anyway.
When it comes to spanking matters it's a bit different; there I am sure about being right, but I'm also more sure that the advisee won't listen. Still, they do ask and I have promised to help, so I plunge forward and pray. The nice thing is that despite fearing the worst it usually works out pretty well. Yes, some don't listen but most of the outcomes are fairly good. Some of them are really good. Those are the ones that make all the worry and frustrations worth it.
Recently someone asked a tough question on my group. I won't go into too much detail, as I don't think it's fair to turn what he said on the group into personal blog fodder, but the question did concern me. It was clear from the description that their scene was rife with problems that led up to what went wrong and that their proposed solution was NOT going to help. I hedged, I hemmed, I hawed, I dithered. I don't dither, but I dithered.
It was realizing I was dithering that spurred me on. I didn't want to sound harsh, but these people had asked for help and if I was going to help I had to be frank with them. I picked the scene apart step by step and highlighted the mistakes, the unsafe practices, everything that should have been done differently. I didn't couch it in the usual "just my opinion" speak, either. Sometimes it has it's uses but most of the time I consider it wimpy and there was no room for wimpy in this. I tend to feel that when people qualify their thoughts with those phrases they are waffling, and there is far too much waffling in this world. So I didn't waffle, I gave them both barrels right between the eyes. Then I hid under my desk.
No, not really, but I was tempted. I was sure I was going to get back a lot of angry "how dare you"s and "our way's just as good as your way"s, etc.*** I held my breath and waited for the indignant storm to break.
It didn't come. I actually got a thank you note today from the couple in question. They listened to my suggestions, they talked it over thoroughly and they are going to implement some of them. I am very relieved.
The moral of the story? I guess it's don't be afraid to tell it like it is sometimes. Old news, of course, but why don't more people do it more often?
Ms. Betty
____________________________________________________________________
***Yes sometimes one way is just as good as another. There is a simple test to tell; does the issue in question seriously affect the welfare of one or both partners? If not, then it's aesthetic and there is plenty of room to disagree, but if one way harms someone and another doesn't then there IS most distinctly a right way and wrong way.
When it comes to spanking matters it's a bit different; there I am sure about being right, but I'm also more sure that the advisee won't listen. Still, they do ask and I have promised to help, so I plunge forward and pray. The nice thing is that despite fearing the worst it usually works out pretty well. Yes, some don't listen but most of the outcomes are fairly good. Some of them are really good. Those are the ones that make all the worry and frustrations worth it.
Recently someone asked a tough question on my group. I won't go into too much detail, as I don't think it's fair to turn what he said on the group into personal blog fodder, but the question did concern me. It was clear from the description that their scene was rife with problems that led up to what went wrong and that their proposed solution was NOT going to help. I hedged, I hemmed, I hawed, I dithered. I don't dither, but I dithered.
It was realizing I was dithering that spurred me on. I didn't want to sound harsh, but these people had asked for help and if I was going to help I had to be frank with them. I picked the scene apart step by step and highlighted the mistakes, the unsafe practices, everything that should have been done differently. I didn't couch it in the usual "just my opinion" speak, either. Sometimes it has it's uses but most of the time I consider it wimpy and there was no room for wimpy in this. I tend to feel that when people qualify their thoughts with those phrases they are waffling, and there is far too much waffling in this world. So I didn't waffle, I gave them both barrels right between the eyes. Then I hid under my desk.
No, not really, but I was tempted. I was sure I was going to get back a lot of angry "how dare you"s and "our way's just as good as your way"s, etc.*** I held my breath and waited for the indignant storm to break.
It didn't come. I actually got a thank you note today from the couple in question. They listened to my suggestions, they talked it over thoroughly and they are going to implement some of them. I am very relieved.
The moral of the story? I guess it's don't be afraid to tell it like it is sometimes. Old news, of course, but why don't more people do it more often?
Ms. Betty
____________________________________________________________________
***Yes sometimes one way is just as good as another. There is a simple test to tell; does the issue in question seriously affect the welfare of one or both partners? If not, then it's aesthetic and there is plenty of room to disagree, but if one way harms someone and another doesn't then there IS most distinctly a right way and wrong way.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
As You Wish
There is something distinctly Femdom about the early interaction between Buttercup and Westley. Her greatest pleasure is ordering him around in that matter of fact tone, and merely calling him "farm boy" instead of by name. And Cary Elwes, that fresh-faced, innocent young man with mop of tousled hair and those piercing eyes responding to every command with that soft "as you wish." Even then it sent shivers through me.
I didn't exactly put two and two together back then. It was simply a gut reaction, something that struck a chord deep in the very core of me. It just felt sooo right, like a shower the perfect temperature, or that long, cool drink of water on a hot day. But I could not have told anyone why. I didn't know myself. It wasn't until many years later when I saw the movie through the "kink filter" that I became consciously aware of the underlying D/s themes in the scene.
Since then the fantasy has remained with me, taking a young or young at heart man full of sweet innocence and teaching him to answer my every command with "as you wish."
Ahhhh.
How did Carly Simon put it? Ah yes, the stuff that dreams are made of.
Ms. Betty
Adventures in CPUing
Originally I had planned a blog about one of my favorite movie scenes today. Life, as usual, had other plans.
Rather than just describe the scene, I wanted to upload a clip of it. Since I now have a blog where uploading videos actually works, I figure I might as well use it. I popped over to Youtube to dig it up. Much to my surprise, Youtube did not have the clip. Okay, no problem. There was a scene in another movie I could write about. I went looking for that instead. I found something very promising, in fact it was the beginning of the scene that I was after, the beautiful build-up, and then the clip cut off right before the bit I wanted. Argh!
At this point I should have given up. I have to admit I am a very reluctant immigrant into the digital age. Though I was quite happy back in the days of the IIE when you had to program everything you wanted to do line by line in BASIC and fell in love with the Mac the first time I saw one, ever since the Windows era began I've been slightly distrustful of these big boxes on our desktops. I feel a bit like I was on the losing side of a war, and using Windows is about the equivalent of consorting with the enemy. I use Windows only because I must and refuse to get too friendly. Point being, I know very little about the ins and outs of computers these days. Really, I should have settled for just describing the scenes and leaving it at that.
But oh no, this is when the semi-perfectionist in me spoke up. The stickler, the stubborn Irish pride bristled at the mere thought of such a wimpy, half-hearted attempt. I felt my spine begin to steel as the lecture in my head began. When we do something we give it our best efforts, we do not turn tail and run at the first sign of difficulty. You no longer have any excuse to cringe away from the digital era. It is about time you sat yourself down and learned how to function. Aren't you always saying that anyone who operates a car should know as much as possible about how the car works, how to maintain it and how to fix it when something goes wrong? What exactly makes you think you are immune to the same principle when it comes to computers? "Push Button, Make Go" is a disgracefully lazy mentality. That is the way whole civilizations are lost. Now pull your act together and put that brain of yours to work. We have a problem, how are we going to solve it?
Well, I have the DVD of the movie I want the clip from. The challenge is to get that scene, and just that scene, on the computer and into a format where I can put it onto the blog. And how would we do that? Video editing software. Okay, look for video editing software.
This lead to a surprise. I have video editing software. Movie Maker 2.1 comes with XP's service Pack 2. (See how well I pay attention to what goes on in CPU land?) Sure enough a quick program search of my hard drive showed me right were it was.
Okay, so I had video editing software, now I just needed video to edit. This proved to be a little more tricky. I can't just pop the DVD in to my DVD drive and open it in Movie Maker. (Yes, I tried) I need a DVD ripper. That I don't just happen to already have on my computer; I have to go look for one. Come on, Google! Don't fail me now! I find one easily enough. Magic is the first program that comes up in the search. I have heard of Magic. More importantly, I have heard good things about Magic. Our resident computer god has given Magic his tentative approval in the past. I take that to mean Magic is probably not dangerous and may just do what I want it to do. I download Magic.
A few minutes later, I pop the DVD into the drive, pick a destination for the file and a format for the converted video. (I have no clue here, so I hedge my bets and go with WMV, probably a mistake, but I figure I can redo it if necessary)
I hit "start" and sit back to let Magic to it's well, magic. This is when I get my second, much less pleasant surprise. nothing else on my machine will work. Task Manger won't come up. Internet pages will not load. I cannot even minimize or move Magic's window. The program is working, but everything is frozen. No wonder. My CPU usage is at 100%. Ack!
Well, it's only for a few minutes. Oh wait, no, it's not; that doesn't say 5 minutes next to time remaining, it says 5 hours, nearly 6, actually. Great, so this thing wants to run my CPU at 100% capacity for nearly 6 hours. Just what will that do to my machine?
Somehow I don't think the results will be good. Thankfully, I only need the first 4 minutes of the movie. I let the converter run long enough to give me that much and stop it there. Now I edit.
It takes 6 minutes to load the video I've converted into Movie Maker. 7, 8, do I hear 9? Eventually the estimate starts going down instead of up and I wait for much more of the movie than I thought I had to load. Once it has, I begin editing. This turns out to be suspiciously easy. It takes less time to edit the video than it did to load the video into Movie Maker to edit. I am expecting any second now for St. Murphy to pop up and bite me. It goes much better than I expect doing anything on a Microsoft product to go, though. Saving it takes a really long time, but other than that it works fine. I have just successfully ripped and edited my first digital video!
So where is it? Sorry folks, you're going to have to tune in tomorrow to see it. I'm so sick of being at the computer at the moment I could scream.
Ms. Betty
Rather than just describe the scene, I wanted to upload a clip of it. Since I now have a blog where uploading videos actually works, I figure I might as well use it. I popped over to Youtube to dig it up. Much to my surprise, Youtube did not have the clip. Okay, no problem. There was a scene in another movie I could write about. I went looking for that instead. I found something very promising, in fact it was the beginning of the scene that I was after, the beautiful build-up, and then the clip cut off right before the bit I wanted. Argh!
At this point I should have given up. I have to admit I am a very reluctant immigrant into the digital age. Though I was quite happy back in the days of the IIE when you had to program everything you wanted to do line by line in BASIC and fell in love with the Mac the first time I saw one, ever since the Windows era began I've been slightly distrustful of these big boxes on our desktops. I feel a bit like I was on the losing side of a war, and using Windows is about the equivalent of consorting with the enemy. I use Windows only because I must and refuse to get too friendly. Point being, I know very little about the ins and outs of computers these days. Really, I should have settled for just describing the scenes and leaving it at that.
But oh no, this is when the semi-perfectionist in me spoke up. The stickler, the stubborn Irish pride bristled at the mere thought of such a wimpy, half-hearted attempt. I felt my spine begin to steel as the lecture in my head began. When we do something we give it our best efforts, we do not turn tail and run at the first sign of difficulty. You no longer have any excuse to cringe away from the digital era. It is about time you sat yourself down and learned how to function. Aren't you always saying that anyone who operates a car should know as much as possible about how the car works, how to maintain it and how to fix it when something goes wrong? What exactly makes you think you are immune to the same principle when it comes to computers? "Push Button, Make Go" is a disgracefully lazy mentality. That is the way whole civilizations are lost. Now pull your act together and put that brain of yours to work. We have a problem, how are we going to solve it?
Well, I have the DVD of the movie I want the clip from. The challenge is to get that scene, and just that scene, on the computer and into a format where I can put it onto the blog. And how would we do that? Video editing software. Okay, look for video editing software.
This lead to a surprise. I have video editing software. Movie Maker 2.1 comes with XP's service Pack 2. (See how well I pay attention to what goes on in CPU land?) Sure enough a quick program search of my hard drive showed me right were it was.
Okay, so I had video editing software, now I just needed video to edit. This proved to be a little more tricky. I can't just pop the DVD in to my DVD drive and open it in Movie Maker. (Yes, I tried) I need a DVD ripper. That I don't just happen to already have on my computer; I have to go look for one. Come on, Google! Don't fail me now! I find one easily enough. Magic is the first program that comes up in the search. I have heard of Magic. More importantly, I have heard good things about Magic. Our resident computer god has given Magic his tentative approval in the past. I take that to mean Magic is probably not dangerous and may just do what I want it to do. I download Magic.
A few minutes later, I pop the DVD into the drive, pick a destination for the file and a format for the converted video. (I have no clue here, so I hedge my bets and go with WMV, probably a mistake, but I figure I can redo it if necessary)
I hit "start" and sit back to let Magic to it's well, magic. This is when I get my second, much less pleasant surprise. nothing else on my machine will work. Task Manger won't come up. Internet pages will not load. I cannot even minimize or move Magic's window. The program is working, but everything is frozen. No wonder. My CPU usage is at 100%. Ack!
Well, it's only for a few minutes. Oh wait, no, it's not; that doesn't say 5 minutes next to time remaining, it says 5 hours, nearly 6, actually. Great, so this thing wants to run my CPU at 100% capacity for nearly 6 hours. Just what will that do to my machine?
Somehow I don't think the results will be good. Thankfully, I only need the first 4 minutes of the movie. I let the converter run long enough to give me that much and stop it there. Now I edit.
It takes 6 minutes to load the video I've converted into Movie Maker. 7, 8, do I hear 9? Eventually the estimate starts going down instead of up and I wait for much more of the movie than I thought I had to load. Once it has, I begin editing. This turns out to be suspiciously easy. It takes less time to edit the video than it did to load the video into Movie Maker to edit. I am expecting any second now for St. Murphy to pop up and bite me. It goes much better than I expect doing anything on a Microsoft product to go, though. Saving it takes a really long time, but other than that it works fine. I have just successfully ripped and edited my first digital video!
So where is it? Sorry folks, you're going to have to tune in tomorrow to see it. I'm so sick of being at the computer at the moment I could scream.
Ms. Betty
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